Pivotal Moments

You know the feeling when you’re scared, hurt, or in a traumatic situation? That sick to your stomach feeling, shaking all over, the feeling of heat from head to toe?  In retrospect, I can pinpoint the things that happened to me that physically made my body sick.

I remember all of those feelings one particular night. I was less than three months from my 12th birthday and was at a party on New Years’ Eve with my older sister. We were at a place that I had been many times, belonging to a distant cousin of my mothers for whom I babysat. When I write this and think of my age, it’s almost unbelievable, I should have been home tucked in bed.

The husband invited some people over for drinks while his wife was away. The “man” of the house, let’s call him Bob, always seemed nice, especially to me. 

I remember how loud the music was, to the point where I couldn’t even hear myself think. Bob asked me to go into his bedroom that night to get something out of his night table.  I walked into the room and unbeknownst, he was right behind me. He shoved a dresser in front of the door and when I asked what he was doing, he exclaimed “shhh, don’t say a word”. That moment changed my life forever. He raped me as he held his hand over my mouth. When he finished, he told me if I ever said anything I would be taken from my home and put in foster care. Now I know that wouldn’t have been the case, but it’s easy to manipulate a child.

This was a pivotal moment and one of the most traumatic and significant experiences of my life. This abuse continued until I was 16, when he was finally sent to prison for 7 years. I know that hanging onto the pain of this was very much a part of my body getting sick.

I can’t even explain the pain, pain that no twelve-year-old girl should ever have to endure. Some people say that their minds go somewhere else when trauma like this occurs, I wish that had been the case for me. I was very present, I can still remember everything about that time.

I became a different person in an instant, my innocence taken away, no longer a child. Every thought in my mind was about the excruciating pain of that night, physically an emotionally.

I continued to babysit for the couple out of fear and threats I was receiving from him. My mother would call and ask him to walk me home, she said she felt better knowing that I was safe. On our walks home he would take me into a wooded area near to my house and have sex with me. I could actually see my door from there. I had no control, he had it all, he had everyone fooled.

This abuse continued almost on a daily basis, I would go to his house at lunch time throughout junior high school. I was threatened at first, but then he just became a part of my daily life. Eventually, I thought he loved me and that we actually had a relationship.

Guilt was the most prominent feeling I had, I wondered if I had done anything to create this, was I asking for it in some way? The worst part is that I thought I liked it. Not the actual rape, but the attention and the feelings I felt from this person who possessed me. He made me feel important, protected, cared for and loved.  At the time, I clearly didn’t understand that this was not the case, and looking back now I understand it certainly was not ok.

I began feeling so horrible inside and became very angry at the world. I wasn’t an easy person to live with. My mom took me to counselling and tried everything to figure out what was going on with me.  I created turmoil in my household to the point where I felt like leaving was my only option. Just short of turning thirteen, I left home.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. With my bag packed I walked up the stairs to the back door where I met my mother blocking the door, she told me I wasn’t going anywhere. I remember my older sister watching at the top of the stairs too. I told my mother to move or I would move her. As I pushed her out of the way,  I looked back at my sister, she said “you’ll be back in a week”. I probably would have been back that day if it hadn’t of been for that comment, but my stubborn attitude prevented me from returning. I never spent one night in that house again.

At times throughout my life, I was sure I had dealt with all of my trauma and had put it to rest. That was the case until seven years ago when I ran into my rapist, he asked if he could speak to me. I remember how small he looked, he told me that he had no friends, job, or much of a life at all. He asked me if I felt like punching him and at that moment I felt empathy for him. I had always wished a horrible life for him but suddenly, I no longer wanted that. I didn’t want him to feel pain or suffer anymore. I apologized for wishing that upon him and he looked at me puzzled. That day is when I knew I truly healed from all of the trauma he caused me.

I wouldn’t change that experience in my life. I believe that surviving that situation without needing to mask the pain with drugs, being promiscuous, or alcohol gave me a level of  strength that I needed. Finding the ability to persevere and heal myself in a healthy way made me feel like I was one of the lucky ones.

It used to be hard to say the word RAPE. I would get a horrible feeling up my spine, but now I can say it like any other word. I don’t ever focus on the act or how it made me feel at the time, just what I have learned from it in a positive way.

None of us can change the past or predict the future, we just have this moment in time. I choose to do the best I can with each and every one of those moments.

Please love yourself. We are all worth it.