I am Abigail
The Story of Abigail
Once upon a time and far away, closer to now than then, and nearer than farther, Abigail was born. She was a very little girl with fine features, and it seemed that she had just had a manicure for the occasion. Everyone who saw her was stunned by her beauty. There was much depth behind the young, dark, flashing brown eyes.
Abigail had a truly loving heart. As she grew, her foremost concern, even as a very young child, was the well-being of her family. She loved them ferociously with a very tender and sensitive heart. She would often worry about adult things that most children don't even notice.
Abigail was not happy. As much as she was loved, it was never enough. When her younger sister was born, Abigail often felt left out, having become the second daughter of three. Much of mother's attention went to the new baby and looking after the needs of the whole family. Abigail felt alone. She missed the closeness she had with her mother, who she loved more than anyone in the world. Her friends weren't kind to her either and often didn't want to play with her. Abigail wondered why no one liked her.
One rainy day, sad and feeling very alone, Abigail packed up her dolls in her little suitcase, and told her mother she was leaving home. Through big tears she tried to explain why she had to go, but she was only three, and didn't know what words to use to say how she felt. Her mother, broken-hearted, didn't understand, and tried to convince Abigail to stay. Abigail was determined. At last, mother put a sandwich, cookies and juice in Abigail's suitcase, told her not to cross the road until she got big enough and to take great care because the world is a very big place for a little girl. After a great teary hug, with her favourite doll tucked under arm and suitcase in hand, Abigail said goodbye to her mother and sisters.
. . . Mother knew that her daughter's loving heart suffered for its sensitivity. It held much pain. The gentle heart suffered much, and along the way, Abigail learned to protect it and herself. Her heart hardened, and Abigail created an emotional distance to guard against more pain. She had no more tolerance.
The mother could see her daughter's heart now, crushed...squeezed...held tightly in a hard, protective, unyielding container, grown from childhood to defend the quiet, passionate, loving little heart from the unbearable pain of a thousand wounds. As they were inflicted, the shield around the heart grew thicker and stronger, for the assaults were deadly.
. . . The heart carried on, surviving, loving as best it knew how. Trust as the little heart had needed for so long, now became too heavy, too confining, and also became a burden, and a barrier to the love that the little heart was needing most of all. Too confined, the heart tried to stretch, to reach out, to expand, and to express the love that kept beating bright red. It twisted, and squirmed, and jiggled and strained. The constraints were too tight, and exhausted, all the little heart could do, was weep. Drops of red found their way out through the small crack in the shield. That crack was hope...light.
The heart wants more than anything to be released by the protector it no longer needs, to love truly, and to expand and breathe, to sing, and participate in life, healed from the pain of the past. It wants to be free of the old ways that it has outgrown, and to love and know love as it has never known before, but always believed existed; to no longer be a big heart in a little heart space.
. . . Her mother sees that the protection Abigail needed has now created physical symptoms of a life-threatening illness, and the love her daughter needs especially now, she is pushing away with all her might. In the confusion of fear, pain and anger, Abigail is trying to live. Her heart cries out desperately for help, but Abigail doesn't hear.
Today, Abigail is a woman with a family of her own. To help herself, she needs to see within the beautiful, caring woman she is, and to reach beyond the fear and the need for defences. Mother continues to hope that one day, Abigail will be able to tell her why she had to leave. Her mother's greatest wish is that Abigail will return and know that she is, and has always been, well-loved, and worthy of health and happiness, the source of which, she herself is.
It is the gentlest heart that suffers the most.
The Story of Abigail was written by Kelly’s mom shortly after she was diagnosed with her first terminal illness. Although the relationship had been through a lot, the love has always been there.